Chris kissed Twitch on the forehead.
"I love you just the way you are," Twitch said.
"You're a good cat."
Suddenly the lights dimmed and a woman of such surpassing loveliness appeared that tears sprang to Chris' eyes. Light danced and wound itself through the ebony curls of her silken hair. Her skin was like silken clouds. Her face, a shining light.
Chris braced herself, expecting the ship to experience more orbital turbulence, but there was none, just a warm, peaceful glow of pure beauty emanating from the woman, the ultimate woman, who had just appeared.
Chris pursed her lips. "Twich," she whispered, "why isn't this lady's delusion's changing the gravity or whatever?"
Twitch yawned. "That's kinda what she really looks like."
"Ah, fu--" Chris rolled her eyes and welcomed the woman with all the grace and hospitality she could muster. "Who the hell are you?" she said.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Chapter 1
Our cat overlords had me set up this blog to communicate with a select few humans on Earth.
If you are reading this, you are one of the chosen.
They wage a battle on our behalf, and though we know nothing of the struggle, our cat champions fight for our very souls. No matter how quiet and still you think you are, you are in a torrent of motion, traveling on the Earth's surface as it spins at 1000 mph, as it circles the Sun at 66,000 mph, as the solar system circles our galaxy at 483,000 mph.
But Lord Kitten has taken control of our solar system, and Twitch is beyond it, on a spaceship orbiting the exoplanet Anxieta, itself in orbit around the binary star system 223-88BC.
Twitch was an ordinary house cat.
That is to say, he was an eternal being from a universe on a plane of existence infinitely above our own, possessing powers the mere contemplation of which would cause an brain aneurysm in Earthling, and radiating a beauty that would sear the mind and soul of any human such that crystal tears of flawless diamonds would fall from the human's eyes even as her body and mind were transformed into the silver light of the sun as it shines through rain, the sigh as water flows across the parched earth of the desert, the sweetness of a baby's first breath.
Twitch walked to the deck of his spaceship so he could contemplate the planet below him.
A person standing on Earth can see approximately 3 miles. Beyond that, the Earth curves below the horizon.
Anxieta is much larger than the Earth. A person standing on Anxieta would perhaps see a horizon 100 miles away before Anxieta's gravitational field, at 2000 times that of Earth, collapsed her into 300,000 pound pancake of dead flesh.
120,000 miles above the surface of Anxieta, at a distance where the gravitation force was approximately that of Earth, Twitch could look out on over a million square miles of Anxieta's milky white surface. The twin stars shone behind and slightly through Anxieta, casting the spaceship into night while illuminating the planet as if from within with a cold, ghostly glow.
Twitch made a slight effort of will and Chris Hugh materialized.
She walked with cat-like feminine grace toward the black cat, walking in beauty, like the night. A proud woman in the fifth decade of life, her features combined the wisdom of age with the unblemished radiance of youth and extraordinary beauty. The light glinted off her hair, untouched by gray, and glanced off her perfect skin and voluptuous yet slim features.
With unusual grace and aplomb she caught herself as the spaceship suddenly shifted in a lower orbit.
A mellow, computer voice quietly coughed, then murmured: "The weight of the human's self delusion is affecting the gravitational field. Repeat. The weight--"
"Oh, alright." Chris snapped back into her actual form, plopped into a chair and invited Twitch to hop onto that part of her lap not already occupied by her belly. "F-ing self awareness. Let's just get on with the story."
If you are reading this, you are one of the chosen.
They wage a battle on our behalf, and though we know nothing of the struggle, our cat champions fight for our very souls. No matter how quiet and still you think you are, you are in a torrent of motion, traveling on the Earth's surface as it spins at 1000 mph, as it circles the Sun at 66,000 mph, as the solar system circles our galaxy at 483,000 mph.
But Lord Kitten has taken control of our solar system, and Twitch is beyond it, on a spaceship orbiting the exoplanet Anxieta, itself in orbit around the binary star system 223-88BC.
---------
Twitch was an ordinary house cat.
That is to say, he was an eternal being from a universe on a plane of existence infinitely above our own, possessing powers the mere contemplation of which would cause an brain aneurysm in Earthling, and radiating a beauty that would sear the mind and soul of any human such that crystal tears of flawless diamonds would fall from the human's eyes even as her body and mind were transformed into the silver light of the sun as it shines through rain, the sigh as water flows across the parched earth of the desert, the sweetness of a baby's first breath.
Twitch walked to the deck of his spaceship so he could contemplate the planet below him.
A person standing on Earth can see approximately 3 miles. Beyond that, the Earth curves below the horizon.
Anxieta is much larger than the Earth. A person standing on Anxieta would perhaps see a horizon 100 miles away before Anxieta's gravitational field, at 2000 times that of Earth, collapsed her into 300,000 pound pancake of dead flesh.
120,000 miles above the surface of Anxieta, at a distance where the gravitation force was approximately that of Earth, Twitch could look out on over a million square miles of Anxieta's milky white surface. The twin stars shone behind and slightly through Anxieta, casting the spaceship into night while illuminating the planet as if from within with a cold, ghostly glow.
Twitch made a slight effort of will and Chris Hugh materialized.
She walked with cat-like feminine grace toward the black cat, walking in beauty, like the night. A proud woman in the fifth decade of life, her features combined the wisdom of age with the unblemished radiance of youth and extraordinary beauty. The light glinted off her hair, untouched by gray, and glanced off her perfect skin and voluptuous yet slim features.
With unusual grace and aplomb she caught herself as the spaceship suddenly shifted in a lower orbit.
A mellow, computer voice quietly coughed, then murmured: "The weight of the human's self delusion is affecting the gravitational field. Repeat. The weight--"
"Oh, alright." Chris snapped back into her actual form, plopped into a chair and invited Twitch to hop onto that part of her lap not already occupied by her belly. "F-ing self awareness. Let's just get on with the story."
Preface
mostly written by the Anchorite
Twitch knew in his rational mind to not tamper with his human’s myriad gadgets, but the heart wants what it wants and he could no more resist than the sun could resist rising.
A mishap with her sleeping device transported Twitch to a different world in a shower of sparks. Twitch had once again landed in an alternate plane of reality.
Why did those gadgets have to be so tempting? Twitch entered a world where where he had never existed. Twitch always knew he was the most awesomest cat in the universe, but even he never expected this nightmarish dystopia.
1. Introduction
This is a blook (blog + book = blook). It's a collection of stories involving cats that wind their way through the various novels and stories of the Anchorite and Chris Hugh.
It's humorous, it's meta and it probably has a lot of typos.
Cats rule the Universe.
They are the Lords of Sleep and through dreams they influence mankind.
Unknown to all humans except one, the cats fight a vast war on our behalf. Universes of color and sound flash in and out of existence, shriek off into infinity, or descend with indescribable solemnity toward the lightless void that underlies all existence.
Cats are our champions in this battle and they have chosen one human to carry their messages to the world.
But what happens if that one human has sleep apnea? When their chosen prophetess wears a medical device that blows air up her nose all night?
The device is called a CPAP.
Its purpose: to keep her airway open so she doesn't stop breathing 700-odd times per night.
Its unintended consequences: many.
It's humorous, it's meta and it probably has a lot of typos.
--------
Cats rule the Universe.
They are the Lords of Sleep and through dreams they influence mankind.
Unknown to all humans except one, the cats fight a vast war on our behalf. Universes of color and sound flash in and out of existence, shriek off into infinity, or descend with indescribable solemnity toward the lightless void that underlies all existence.
Cats are our champions in this battle and they have chosen one human to carry their messages to the world.
But what happens if that one human has sleep apnea? When their chosen prophetess wears a medical device that blows air up her nose all night?
The device is called a CPAP.
Its purpose: to keep her airway open so she doesn't stop breathing 700-odd times per night.
Its unintended consequences: many.
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